MaxVentures Through Hell!

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WELCOME TO MAXVENTURES THROUGH HELL!
Select your player!
*pling*
You chose: Maximiwax - The Uselessness Mage!

Choose the difficulty level!
#Literally Heaven (Easy)
#Some kind of town, like, with a nice neighbourhood but with many grumpy elders and only few parking spots (Medium)
#Hell (Hard)
You chose: Hell - HARD MODE!
[Why the heck did you do that, you dumb f*ck? You could've just...aaaaah, forget it. Good luck, moron!]

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Hello there, young stranger! You seem to be new here.... You look like an adventurer.
I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow right into my d---Well, never mind.
This crippled figure you see in front of you is all that's left after a hard journey through Hell. Well, actually, I moved to Halle, which is its original name, when I heard an old myth about an ancient "master power" that you inherit once you defeat the MASTER himself. Many hopeful adventurers come here every year, trying their luck with fate, overcoming challenges and finally gaining the master power. I thought, if so many others went along this path before me - successfully - , it may not be that difficult, that I could study enough spells and defeat enough monsters to be the most powerful version of myself and ready for the ultimate master power... But I'm still far away from it. Sure, I grew stronger and stronger, but Halle - or, rather, Hell - takes its toll on you, my friend! Let me tell you my story and what it is that you will face - in case you persevere and survive...

Do you want to skip the tutorial/prolog?
[Yes / No]
*pling*
[Yes / No]

I travelled a long way to get here. I was born and raised in a small, nice village, which, at first glance, looks a lot like Hell. When I noticed that I was receptive for magical powers and skills, I decided to broaden my horizon, and this is where my fate brought me. Unfortunately, I might add. I tried to adapt to Hell's ways and become one of Hell's people. But these Hellnaws* are of a special kind.
[Hellnaws, or Awwwwhellnaws, are NPCs. Click the icon above their head to talk to them and get quests. Interacting with Hellnaws can give you XP and +Charisma, but certain Hellnaws have a grey glow around them. Stay away from these Hellnaws or they infect you with stupidity poison, which deals stultification dmg over time.]

My first days in Hell were especially hard. I was all alone in my little hut, left with nothing but the sound of my own voice, a bed and water that gave me diarrhea. I was still too inexperienced for the dangers that lurked outside, so I had to deal with what I had. And this is where I met my first enemy:
Diamond Von Wall-Nut.

[An adventurer needs a place to come home to, to rest and regain stamina. Lie down a couple of hours to recover +Health and +Sanity. But choose your sleeping time wisely! (Awwww)Hellnaws will try to wake you up in the middle of the night with screams, shooting sounds and explosions! This will decrease the sleeping time you will get! Alcohol can help you with a sound sleep, but gives -Health and -Intelligence.]
I thought about changing things up in my hut, so I bought a drill to make some holes in the walls. I guess I woke up an ancient jewel monster by trying to perforate my hut's walls, because what I encountered was Diamond Von Wall-Nut, a stubborn, impenetrable tank-type. Neither steel nails nor my drill could do anything against its will, let alone its body. Diamond Von Wall-Nut seemed to reinforce more defense power the more desperate I got. At one point, I used my whole body weight and drilled for minutes and minutes without any success. Fortunately, I upgraded my drill into the "Super-Diamond-Drill of Destruction" [Rare Item] and was therefore able to defeat my first enemy! But this upgrade was done weeks later. In the meantime, I tried to stay away from Von Wall-Nut as far as I could and come to terms with what I had: a hut without a fireplace, a counter, shelves or decoration. Just a plain old hut with a bed, a toilet, a cooling-machine and some power outlets. [Power outlets are essential on your path. Keep an eye out for them and use them as often as you can! +Energy, +Distraction]
But without any furniture with some surface area on it, there was nothing to be done cooking-wise. For a whole week, I subsisted on instant noodles, which I cooked with the water that I boiled on my toilet seat. So I ordered a simple mini kitchen. Suddenly, this kitchen turned into my next enemy:
Mrs. Bitchin' Kitchen.

With my strength at that point in time, I was nowhere near strong enough to defeat the Mrs. alone. Even before the actual battle, I had extreme difficulties getting her parts into my hut. So I hired an experienced soldier who specialized in kitchen annihilation. Sure, that fellow was as smart as a brick, but he helped me out with her parts and even ganked with me on Von Wall-Nut here and there with his equipment. The Mrs. used "Uneven Diamond Walls", "Questionable Oddments" and "Heavy Weight" on us and got an extra complication buff from Von Wall-Nut, but we finally defeated her with my Super-Diamond-Drill Of Destruction and the soldier's assembling spells, gaining extra XP for the team fight.

I was able to put stuff on my walls. I could cook meals without using my toilet. AND I came to terms with my general situation. Sounds like perfect conditions for me to fight my way to the ultimate quest: getting dat master power. But there was one monster-duo that kept me from getting there:
Electrishitty & Aqua Fuck'Ya.

Both of them tag-teamed me for several weeks, sometimes taking turns, but most of the time they acted as one. While Electrishitty blew out all the power sources in my hut, which I DESPERATELY need (for, like, doing my hair, working with my space portal [computer], having fresh food and ingredients and, most importantly, not sitting in the goddamn dark - in the wintertime!!!), Aqua Fuck'ya finished me off with an undrinkable, yellow-ish liquid, which, as I said, gave me the shits (-Health, but +Appearance), and an everlasting ice-fountain where warm water should be.
I was a wreck. I was destroyed. I used all of my resurrection scrolls to get me through those tough times. I contacted Hell's priests and blacksmiths, but they were of no help at all. All I could do was wait. And wait. And wait. While my outward appearance started to match my internal withering. But my endurance and will power payed off! After their gang rape, they just disappeared into nothingness, maybe haunting another adventurer's hut to this day. 

As you can see, there will obstacles on your way that you cannot overcome by simply defending yourself. You need to grow strong, to reflect on what is important, to pray and keep your sanity.
Hell is... a dark place. In many ways.The Hellnaws might be helpful one day, but useless or even hurtful on another. I don't even know what the MASTER really looks like or if it is possible for me to face him in the near future and get the master power. But maybe you can defeat him.
So focus on your main quest!
Try out new things!
Learn how to prove yourself in this hopeless world!
And most importantly: Become, what you came here for - an independent warrior, fighting his or her way through the hurdles of life.

I hope you know what lies ahead of you...
It's dangerous to go alone.
Take this!
[Player 1 got ADVICE!]
[Open ADVICE?] 
[Yes / No] 
It says:

DON'T DO IT! DON'T GO! Go home, for christ's sake! 

You idiot chose the Hard Mode! 

Just restart the game and choose "Easy". Got that? "EASY"!!!

Continue?
[Yes / No]
*pling*
[Yes / No]

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WELCOME TO MAXVENTURES THROUGH HELL!
Select your player!
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~music time~

We Can be Heroes

[DISCLAIMER: I had to change the background color to white to make this post work. F-ing transparency. You'll see what I mean...]

When doing smalltalk, I like to spice things up a bit. Get a bit random. Ask some silly questions and then analyze the answers. It's a good way of getting to know someone. Hard-hitting facts and opinions will only go so far - it's the blabbering that lets you get inside the heads of others!

Some examples for this (you may call it) "technique" are:
If you could be an animal, which animal would you be? (I know this is a lame one, but it gets the ball rolling)
When you dream, do you see everything from your point of view or are you watching what happens as a spectator?
And the famous one
Do you think you see the color "red" the same way I see it?

But my favorite question would have to be If you could have any superpower you want, which one would you choose?
"Why," you may ask? Well, for one thing, because that's one of the questions I asked my boyfriend on our first date (and it seems like it didn't scare him off) and also because YOU GET A LOT OF BULLSHIT ANSWERS!
But let's get back to that later...


With each day that passes, I continue to realize that it's about the little things in life, no matter what circumstance. Not only to enjoy, but also to hate and envy.
Some people just seem to be born with a cheat code, leveling up as they go and being on top of their game all the time. They can do tricks, are smart, got money, look like models and are just a pain in the arse for visually-handicapped fail-monsters like me. I hate them. Even more so, I sometimes don't think they deserve how lucky they are.
Every time I take the train to Jena, I'm overwhelmed with the multitude of beautiful dipshits that grace the earth. *cue "The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson* To me, they seem like superheroes of their own kind. Their superpower is to be better than me. Their weakness: unknown.
Especially now, in the summer time, the dudes are ripped as f*ck and do not seem to have any pores on their faces, let alone blemishes. Like, imagine if someone could look like bacon tastes! (Unless you're a vegetarian)
They wink and an angel gets it's wings. They smile and a homeless person finds some cash on the street. They flex and a volcano erupts. I hate them.

Same goes for the ladies. They are tan, their hair looks like they JUST went to the most expensive hairdresser they could find, their eyebrows are on fleek, their curves could make the number 8 jealous - and they didn't even try to look that good. I hate them.

Meanwhile, the rest of us get out of bed looking like the Scarecrow from Batman, Freddy Krueger and a pile of vomit had some kind of freaky threesome baby with some chromosomes missing. And we try, oooh we try, to look somewhat publicly acceptable by putting a lot of work into our appearance, but without success and with an outcome not nearly as polished as the ones from madames et monsieurs parfait.

Thank god there are pro-fat, pro-"be yourself and have flaws" and pro-"dad bod" movements right now!



But back to the real "superpowers"...

The answer I get the most to the question "Which superpower would you like to have?" is "I wanna be able to fly!"
...
Let that sink in for a moment.
You want to float a few feet above the ground. Levitate. Play Helicopter or some shit. Sure, ok.
That's the most boring answer anyone could ever give to this question!
Not only does my not-based-on-any-records-chart show that approximately 80% of all people give this answer, which makes it even more bland, but it also shows the uncreativity of the people asked.
Think big, people! How could you benefit from flying around? Is it the tickle in your stomach that you want? The amazing view that you can also get by looking at a postcard or viewing a documentary on mountains or rivers or whatever? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, motherfucker, it's just a person suffering from lameness...

We all know what happened to Icarus.
What a dumbass.
You don't want to be a dumbass, do you?



The first thing I think about in this context is "What kind of badassery would be useful for ME?"!
Several criminal applications come to mind. As un-self-centered as I am, I still want to get something out of this gift that I can choose for myself!


As a little kid, I was fascinated with Midas' golden touch. Sure, it was this power that led to terrible things: he turned his daughter's ass into gold, he couldn't eat or drink, and I bet he cried a lot because of that, which might be damn painful. Metal tears and all. But he solved his problems eventually. Except for his daughter. She was still dead. Oh, and he somehow got donkey ears. But what I got out of this story was "touch thing, thing turns into gold, gold is good, no consequence!"
I somehow seemed to miss that part with the eating and stuff. But hey, bling-bling all the way!
It is obvious what I wanted to do with this superpower when I was little. Get rich, bitch! DUH. But on second thought, maybe I would've found some other use for the golden touch...

Nowadays, I might give a different answer to said question.
I guess telekinesis may come in handy. Moving stuff without the need to move yourself? COUNT. ME. IN.!
Another pick for "favorite superpower" might have to be intangibility/invisibility. Both of them would feed my criminal nature. Think of all the possibilities, all the banks you could rob, the diamonds you could steal, the people you could scare! And let's not forget the things you get to see when sneaking into somebody's room! I would use this gift for NO good reason, whatsoever!!

 

My master pick for the ultimate superpower, however, is controlling time. Not in a time-travel kinda way. I mean, who really understands how time-travel works? Every movie I've seen so far that involves this topic is either stupid or confusing.

What I mean is stopping, slowing, rewinding and fast-forwarding time. It has all the benefits of invisibility/intangibility PLUS infinite chances to try again and to fix a fuck-up.
Don't know the answer to a question in your test? BOOM, stop time, look it up, resume.
Said something stupid in front of your crush? BOOM, rewind, rethink, rephrase.
Having a killer trip but only 2 hours left until you don't feel a thing anymore? BOOM, slow down and enjoy.
If this exceptionally good answer doesn't BLOW YOUR FUCKING DICK OFF, I don't know what will. And if you don't have a dick, this answer is SO good that it will sew one on and then IMMEDIATELY blow it off! SHIT YEAH!
Problem is, that you might continue to age while you're experiencing time in a slower manner. Or if you stop time to steal something or hit someone, for instance. But in a perfect world - and I mean, it IS a perfect world where you get to choose your superpower - this wouldn't apply. Right? Yeah, Thought so.

But as I said in the beginning, it's the little things that count.
Some people are able to draw perfect circles by hand. Some are artists with so much talent you shit your pants when looking at their paintings and pictures or hearing their songs. Some are brain surgeons who save lives. Maybe there are PERFECT kissers out there or men that TRULY deserve "Best Dad!" coffee mugs.
Maybe they are superheroes in their own rights.
And if extreme mediocrity could be seen as a superpower, as well, then maybe I'm a superhero, too...

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~music time~

Snow Why-not?!

I thought about ideas for a new blog post since my former a-new-blog-post-every-other-week-plan didn't work out as well as I had hoped. As you might've noticed, I'm a lazy fuck when it comes to updating this pure GEM of a blog. I consistently find new music, but my writer's block is as annoying as volcano zits on picture day. A few days ago, however, I listened to one of Kimbra's newest effusions of her crazy, new-pop mind, "I'm Wishing", a cover of the Disney classic from the movie 'Snow White'.
Not only is it a really good, vamped-up and sensual version of the forgotten musical treasure, it also helped me with my creative embargo. Immediately, the diffuse visions I had in my head took shape and developed around the Snow White theme. And I thought to myself, "Snow White? Snow Why-NOT?!" [get it? haha very laugh much funny]

I may or may not have mentioned in the last post that I started working in a clothing store in my city. Apart from some minor mishaps, everything went alright so far and I'm glad that I can earn some money on the side. My co-workers are nice, too, buuuuuuuut...
And this is where I start with something that I've noticed several times already. A situation so weird to be in, you don't know whether to cry, to politely smile or to punch someone.

Just to be clear, I was feeling a bit under the weather, lately, including a few days of sickness. But overall, I'm as healthy as it gets, rosy cheeks and all! One day, a friend of mine invited me to her birthday party, but unfortunately, I had to work 'til 8 p.m.. I wanted to arrive at my friend's party on time or maybe just a few minutes late, so I feigned to be sick. I held my stomach, asked for a headache pill and went to the toilet quite often. It worked! They thought I was super ill and said that the shop wouldn't be that busy atm and that I could go home and lay down. Because - and here it comes! - "You look really sick. Very pale, too. I'm worried for you! Get some rest and let us know if you are able to work in a few days, Okay?"
I was feeling rather fine at that moment and they said I was looking like death himself!
I composed myself and kept acting like the sick person they thought I was. But on the inside I was dissappointed, hurt and - I don't know why - angry. They just stepped on my self-esteem, gave it a kick in the side, spitted on it and said farewell. Throughout my whole shift, I thought I was engaging, radiating and appealing to the customers. And now my colleagues basically told me that I had a huge booger of uglyness all over my face the whole time! I didn't know I looked like a corpse until they told me so...

I wonder how Snow White would've reacted if the dwarfs made such comments about her appearance when she was in that glass coffin...

Yep, like that...
Here's a tip: A sick person doesn't want to know how sick he or she looks. Not cute.

Aside from my work, I haven't been very busy the last few months. The worst part about procrastinating - which I now realise is a VERY common concept in my blog posts - is that the worries and increasing pressure of actually doing the thing paralyze you even more, making you unable to do the thing beyond your initial paralysis.
Oh, I should do the thing. Nah, I'll just watch some more videos and eventually do it.
Hey, some hours have passed. Should I do the thing now? Yes I should. Will I do it? Hm, maybe after a bit more binge-watching of my favorite show.
Oh fuck, I really should do the thing. It's too late to not do it. But I don't have enough time. Or the drive. I can't do the thing now, anymore. Byebye, thing. Someone else must do you now, I guess...

The dwarfs in the Snow White story were very busy little bees. They didn't know why they worked in those diamond mines, but they did it anyway. If I were a dwarf, I'd be both Sleepy and Dopey. Lazy and stupid. But even these little fellas did their work! Imagine the dwarf gang with a really lazy member:

You get 500 valueless points if you get that reference!
Checking your tumblr, looking for some updates on your favorite OTP, answering your emails, chatting with strangers, watching How-Tos and Let's Plays on youtube and keeping up with current pop-culture phenomena is extremely time consuming! And, for me at least, essential for my well-being and a carefree mind in this dark and twisted world we live in! I guess my fellow dwarfs would either kick me out of their cottage, force me to do my work against my will or just let me be the worthless dwarf turd that I am, alone in my filthy bed next to their tidy, little row of 7 perfectly-made beds.
I bet those suckers bribed the birds and Bambi's mother to make the beds for them. Fucking little shits...

And because yesterday was Valentine's Day and the fact that I had (or have) a Valentine - or is it a "Valentino"? And if so, does he come with a designer bag without me knowing? - I had to include the prince.
Get ready for some kitschy, heart-eyed rapture.
Think about this: In the movie, the prince, Florian, kissed a corpse. At least he thought Snow White was dead when he pressed his lips against hers. How romantic and, at the same time, disgusting is that? I mean, yeah, I guess he heard about her soft, white-as-snow skin, but in the end she must've looked as sick and pale as I OBVIOUSLY did at work! (Thanks again, co-workers!)
He instantly fell in love with her beauty and after the incident, they married and lifed happily ever afterblahblah. You only get this kind of ending in a fairytale...
And that's where you're wrong! My dude, tall, strong, masculine, warm-hearted and ingenious, did basically the same thing. Corpse-y Max seems to have enchanted this attractive specimen. Don't ask me how I did it, but something must've worked. And I know how I look in the morning. I know how annoying I can get, I know how silly I tend to be, how many things I use to forget, all my bad habits and everything that should repel every human being with a bit of intellect and some standards. But here we are, two as one, buddies with feelings, cuddle partners and much more. It's a fairytale in itself, really.

I know how disgusted you are now, which is why I want to distract you from all the cheesyness with a 20-track playlist of my favorite tracks from December, January and February (thus far).
Enjoy! (And please share it [meaning the blog post and/or the playlist]! Some support would be appreciated, goddammit!! :P)
Happy Not-Valentine's Day!
Treat. Yo. Self!
(Another 500 points if you get the reference again)

Xmas-imiwax and Life Choices

'Tis the season. Take a look out of your window and what do you see? Frantic faces, cheesy Christmas decorations and lights all over the place. And Xmas still almost a month away!

Of course, Xmas is the holiday of love ...*yuck*... Some might say it's the holiday of gifts and the obligatory cramp of finding and buying the right gifts without going bankrupt. I say, it's the holiday of awkward and tedious conversations with relatives and burning questions about your life.

So what are you up to?

How's school/studying/work doing?

Found a job yet?

These questions put an anime-like drop of sweat on my forehead. Life doesn't put enought pressure on you, oh no, there have to be people who put you into a state of irritation and confusion with their gnawing questions all of the time, especially on birthdays, Xmas and other celebrations! And no matter how often you see these people or how often you get these question, THEY ALWAYS COME BACK! Just for ONE Christmas season, I want to experience inner peace and non-existant scrutiny.

And if you're like me - a 20-something; somewhere between studying, finding a job and sleeping; and a master of constant procrastination - you start to ask yourself the same question: What am I doing with my life?

I just got my Bachelor's degree and continue to visit some courses, but overall, I'm an unemployed, lazy bastard like the ones "our kind" tends to make fun of. The problem is, I don't really know what comes next.
It's as if life was a jungle. And you're Tarzan. Well, I'm Tarzan, I mean look at dat bod'! You're ... Jane? One of the monkeys? Okay, you can be Tarzan, too... Anyway, you're Tarzan and the purpose of your life is to jump from liana to liana to get to the destination of your choice. Luckily, life gives you a selection of several lianas right after the other.
"Already able to talk and not shit your pants? Here, have a grade school liana! Done with 1+1 and all that stuff? Nice, what about these high school lianas? Wow, Mr./Ms. graduate is in da houze! Great, now here are a few options to choose from: maybe a university or some scholarships in between? Nice choice! Oh, what do we have here, you got a degree now, huh? Weeeeeell... Umm... Yeah. I'm out. Good luck, kiddo!"

And you don't wanna know where you'll find yourself when falling to the ground...

I could hang on to my current liana. I could cling on to my degree and try to jump to the big Master's tree. But right now, that tree is of no interest for me, yet. I WANT to comb through the jungle, see what's out there, try my best not to fall down.

I've sent out several applications, but the only positive response I received came from a rather uncommon career field. "Barrel-organ Klaus" contacted me and asked, if I wanted to be Santa this Christmas. Visiting families' homes, acting like the big, bearded, old fairytale man and warming children's hearts.

Guys... if you're reading this, you might as well know the other blog posts and my opinion about these crazy, little mofos. Children are the worst. And this Mr. Klaus wants ME to be their entertainer this year?
So yeah, I'm Santa Claus, signed a contract and all... I mean, I get paid for it, so why not, right?

It seems like I have to visit 4-5 families on Christmas Eve. I WILL have difficulties not to drown myself in glühwein right before the meetings (the contract states that I am not allowed to work under the influence. urgh), I WILL have difficulties to stay in character and I WILL have difficulties not to crush some children's dreams.
Something in me really wants to, though...

Oh, just the thought of angry parents, crying boys and girls, a ruined holiday and several years of costly therapy brings a smile to my face :)
What a shame that I have to act all normal and orderly to get the money... Oh well. Maybe some other time...

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~music time~

Instead of torturing you with a Christmas playlist, I decided to make another compilation. A selection of my favorite tracks from, well, September until November. I know I'm a shitty blogger when it comes to monthly blog posts, but hey, the Maximimixes are all the better! ;) It got some Indie Rock, some remixes, psychedelic alternative Pop and a handful of electronic tracks, hope you like it!

Life of Pi(e) - Or - How (NOT) to Lose Weight

Do you know this movie called "Life of Pi"? Well, what a dumb question, of course you do.

It may be one of my favorite movies, even though not many seem to share my love for this film. I'm a huge fan of cinematic drama, big pictures, fantasy and images that have an impact on me and my feels.

There was this one scene in particular that took my breath away. A scene shot from above the boat in the middle of the night. The water reflects the night sky and all of these tiny little stars like a mirror. It was my first ever 3D experience since these old green/red-glass-thingies. I was in awe. It looked like Pi, the tiger and the boat were floating upside down across the firmament. Unfortunately, I can't find a picture for that scene on the Web, but this is what it looks like in my memory.

Yep, I'm Pi here.

Another reason for me to like this film was the story of the book. Basically, Pi tells two different stories. And even though one seems more likely than the other, both could be possible in some way. Or maybe it's a combination of both that happened. 

I want to tell you a story. Or rather two short ones, to be exaxt. You decide which one is real or whether any of these stories really happened that way.

I already mentioned on this blog that I lost a few pounds (see below).

Before

 and After (wearing the same clothes)

Many, many friends, family members and acquaintances asked me how I lost all this weight. Recently, I've been getting more and more frustrated with the same question being asked over and over again, which is why I want to tell you how I did it and, thereby, end this bugging questioning.

-- O N E --

I felt miserable when I looked into the mirror. I liked my broad shoulders and my body type, because a six-pack is not what I look for in a person. Appearance may be of some importance, but there's nothing better than humor, a cute smile or an exciting conversation. Unfortunately, the rest of the world can be extremely superficial. To the extent that you cannot even come close to getting to know a person if said person is not interested in you. Look-wise. So, you have to look a certain way to be part of this bubble of attractive people. If you don't fit their criteria, you need to go back to your own bubble, the bubble of average-looking people where only average-looking people date each other. At least that's what I thought at that time.

And then my inner demon took over. The demon that is self-destructive and that doesn't care if I suffer; who, maybe, enjoys my suffering. So I started to eat less. And less. And even less. There were days when I had difficulties to cross the corridor at my university because of malnutrition. If I ate more than I allowed myself, I would sometimes throw some of it up again, just to make sure it wouldn't end up on my hips. I would take laxatives to lose weight, I started to smoke cigarettes every once in while, I did everything imaginable. Sometimes, when I met my friends for a cooking (and drinking) evening, I would starve myself throughout the day just to prevent eating and drinking too much calories in the end. Or, I would not want to eat at all and look forward to a night full of drinking, because with less meat on my bones and not as much food in my stomach, the alcohol would work better. 

I shed kilo after kilo, bought t-shirts several sizes smaller than my old shirts and somehow enjoyed being "normal". Then - a few months too late - people asked me if everything's okay, whether they should be concerned about my well-being or not. This is when I realized that I had crossed the line. Up until now, I managed to normalize my diet. Stress and the resistance of that bitchy demon make me suffer some small setbacks, but all in all, I'm rather healthy again. I like the new me, it's just the way I got there that may be questionable.

 -- T W O --

It's true, I was a hot mess. I ate what was within reach and did not think about doing sports at all. I mean, why do something that I do not enjoy WHATSOEVER if you can eat some yummy pie instead, right??

Then, some day, I looked into the mirror and I felt miserable. Maybe because of my appearance, maybe because of the beauty stigma that was superimposed upon me via the media. I knew I had to do something. I've always been that kinda-funny fat kid, sociable and harmless. I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to feel somewhat attractive for once. I considered doing weird stuff like throwing up or just plain not-eating, but your body is a temple, right? So I x-ed chocolate from my meal plan, reduced the average size of my meals and tried to eat a little bit healthier. I found out some tricks that help dieting: Drinking ice-cold water (because your body burns calories while bringing the water to your body temperature), using a tiiiiny little fork/spoon (eating takes a lot longer with baby-sized cutlery) and brushing your teeth earlier at night (who wants to eat something savory if you still got dat sweet, minty taste in yo mouth?). I learned a lot from cooking with friends and youtube videos, thereby getting some more tips for my nutrition. I'm still nowhere near being REALLY healthy, since I still have some slips with dem nomnoms, but I exchanged snacks and overeating with vegetables and consideration. I'm still not sure how I lost over 30kg in (not even) half a year, but it seems to work! I was able to hypnotize myself to be a (kind of) healthier person. It took very low self-esteem and shame for me to do so, but hey, it worked! And if you have the same problem as I did, I encourage you to do the same! Come to the healthy side, we...umm... may not have cookies... but gluten-free, organic, lactose-free crackers! ^^''

I hope that I'll never get this annoying question again, now that I shared two possible versions...
So which one is true: The depressing one or the "healthy" one? Or maybe both? You decide!

The moral of this post: Society puts a shit load of pressure on all of us. Stretch marks, love handles, pigment disorders, skin issues - ALL of these things are natural and common. Just because you have one or two flaws doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel attractive. Don't think you need to change to fit into one of the many boxes or bubbles society lays out ready for occupation. If you want to change: Do it! If not: Work dem curves, hunty!

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~music time~

Let's forget about weight, health and boring life stories and turn it around with something more upbeat - literally! A selection of the finest tunes I encountered in the last few weeks. Enjoy!

Shura - Touch

Bachelor=student+single

This isn't just an ordinary life update!

This is a VERY ordinary life update!!!

There hasn't been a blog post in all of June. A blogging break for over a month! And why? Because I was busy. Wait, WHAAA? YOU were busy?! Hellz yeah!

Let's stop the clock for a sec and look at a fat-ass, juicy slice of time!

Right now I'm in a shitty kind of gray area between being a student and working as a responsible adult; between asexuality and longing for the D; between insanity induced by stress and being permanently attached to my bed due to sloth-like behaviour.

I got everything I need to finally end this energy-sapping learning phase. Hurray! Most of my recent exams were oral exams (which comes as close to anything oral-related as it gets, hahahuuuu). But even though my professors love my voice and its qualities, are happy with the content I create and think that my answers to their questions meet their expectations, I'm still suuuuper nervous before each exam. I studied 4! damn! years! and I still act as if I'm a startled 13-year-old in front of his judgemental classmates. Whenever I get a new task, I black out and become a lunatic trainwreck!

The only thing that kept me from losing what is left of my sanity was succeeding and shining as the leading role in a live audio play with my fellow students, an adaptation of the fairy tale "Jorinde and Joringel".

People complimented me on my role and our group was happy with the outcome of several weeks full of hustle and bustle. As you can see, I enjoyed the performance. Very much so.

Anyway, I got almost all of the credits I need to wave goodbye to this hellhole of an institution and I even have a topic for my bachelor thesis - everything that's missing are some texts and studies that can help me out.

The more I try to find anything related to CMC (computer-mediated communication) and its influence on current everyday language use (which is a fucking nice topic, if you ask me!), the more I get frustrated.

The more I get frustrated, the more I shut down.

The more I shut down, the more I eat, play games, watch animes and procrastinate in general.

And the more I procrastinate, the more furious I get about my fat lazy ass 

and my inability to focus on my goal.

It's a never-ending spiral of confusion and frustration.

But once I've done all this, I'm gonna celebrate like I've never celebrated before. Champagne, lobster, bitchez, bling and gettin' crunk like no other! MARK MY WORDS!

And as it seems, not-learning and procrastinating are the only things I do in my comfy bed besides eating and sleeping. Nope, no booty hole gets its well-deserved attention. No pole gets polished. Not a single button gets pushed and there's no valve for any kind of tension or pressure.

But Max, you've lost soooo muuuch weight! You look so much better now blahblah there must be a boy for you somewhere blahblah I bet dem boys go crazy for you hahahablahblah!!1!11!!!!

It does make a difference, of course. Weighing over 30kg less than a year ago makes me look like a different person and somewhat comparable to the typical mainstream small town twinkboy. But it's mostly just guys over 40 that would like a piece of some young, inexperienced boy ass that isn't totally worn out. Or guys around the age of 18 which derive from the XD-generation - meaning a generation that has no problems but THINKS it has a shitload of them and which is barely able to write a full sentence without sounding like it misses half of its brain. And unfortunately, the rest of the guys that are interested in me hasn't really been my type, yet.

Which made me think... Since there ain't a guy out there that is really into me as much as I'm into him and since I can't put a ring on my laptop because it doesn't have a finger for it to put on, I should just marry the other thing that's just as close to my heart and that knows how to make me happy!

I've known it for all of my life, we've been through dick and thin, it knows my special places and we're basically already attached to each other!

..."Rightie", darling? Would you... would you share the rest of your life with me, no matter what cums our way?

And so, Max and his right hand lived happily ever after.

THE END.
(EPILOG: Max' right hand supports him with his bachelor thesis and he finally gets his degree. Yay.)

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~music time~

This time, I thought I'd switch it up a bit. I cannot give you a long-ass list of songs that I've found since my last blog post. There are just way too many. So I made a little playlist for you guys! 15 songs from the past 2 months that I've arranged in a beautiful sound bouquet for your hearing pleasure. ENJOY, MOTHAFUCKAS, ENJOY!

Meet Gabi!

And now on National Geragraphic: "Adventures with Max"!

Welcome to "Adventures with Max" - the show where we journey through the streets of Gera to discover and observe rare and unusual wild life! I'm your host Max 'Bearhugger' Wachsmann.

On this week's episode of Adventures with Max, I show you a particularly special being that is shrouded in legend and undocumented - UNTIL NOW!
The weirdus galus psychonensis - also known as the "Gabi"

 Pict.1: A wild Gabi

Rarely out on the street, the Gabi is said to usually camouflage amongst a small group of weirdos and hippies (in this case: shroomies). Since these cliques were nowhere to be found at that time, the Gabi seemed to feel pressured to get out alone and venture out on a walk within the community of us "normal people".

As you can see in Pict.1, the Gabi was utterly surprised to see me. Mainly, because I did not break eye contact with her. I was so intrigued by her coincidental sight that I wanted to take the chance and get near her. My main target was the supermarket behind her, but who can resist the temptation of documenting the behaviour of such an abstract figure?

The Gabi's appearance was of remarkable peculiarity as one can imagine.
Her brown fur (hair) looked messy and scruffy. Some experts say, Gabies shorten their own hair to prevent excessive sweating and overheating in the summer. In this case, the Gabi's hair showed signs of rough cutting with a blunt blade, an axe, or a chainsaw.
The Gabi wore no shoes, a short pair of pants and a loose-fitting tank top which still displayed her ribcage. In her hand she held a small, orange bucket with uncertain content. I tried to identify what was in it, but I couldn't get a look at the inside of the bucket. It might have revealed something - her goals, her conditions, her purpose... But I guess all the information about her background will never be known.
Apart from her excited look and a psychotic, strained grin, the Gabi's face had two further interesting features: an inflamed eyebrow piercing and a missing tooth. The latter contributed to her shaggy look.

Usually very shy, the Gabi talked to me when I walked past her. Really, SHE TALKED! There is no record of the Gabi's ability to talk! I felt very lucky to be the first person to document this outcome.
What I understood was: "You seem like a nice person. You smiled at me. Isn't it a lovely day to chat with someone?"

Here is a video of the Gabi walking by my side:

Video1: The wild Gabi walking next to me and interested in a conversation.

Still, I was not able to look inside the bucket. A shame, really.

Then I suddenly had the urge to get away from her. The look on her face, the fact that she was so open and talktative and the sudden setting were too much, even for an adventurer like me.
I wanted to continue my shopping spree and avoid further contact with the Gabi. Who knows which diseases I could catch from a member of the weirdus galus family? She noticed my impulse and uttered "You're in a hurry, huh?"
When I obviously aimed at a different path, the Gabi finally left with the words that still ring in my head:
"The clouds, think about the clouds! One is laughing, the other one is not!"

What did she mean by that? Is it a code? Can the Gabi see the future? Maybe one needs to distance himself or herself from what sounds like complete nonsense. But maybe we should all worship the twisted mind behind these glassy, twitching eyes and think about laughing and non-laughing clouds...

This was Adventures with Max with your host Max 'Bearhugger' Wachsmann!
Tune in next time to find out more about more about Steve, the entrepreneurial pedophile with a glass eye!

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~music time~

(MASH-UP ALAAAARM!!!:)

BE A DOLPHIN!

I've just finished watching the first season of "The Mindy Project" within the last 3 or 4 days (It's funny and entertaining like New Girl, but not as in-your-face-quirky - LOVE IT!) and by closing the tab that I streamed the show with, I regained consciousness over my current situation.
It's 4 p.m. on a Saturday, I'm lying in my bed in a rather uncomfortable position in order to type this (and to play a stupid minigame on Facebook), regretting the amount of food I ate within the last 3 hours and wearing nothing but some shorts and a dirty t-shirt. I have nothing better to do right now and I've got nothing planned for the evening. Maybe drinking a glass of wine. Alone. Or a bottle. Still alone and with the risk of drunk-texting a friend, my future husband or my ex.

I'm a pathetic human being.

I should get a grip and do something. Yeah, I should do something and be productive! Even if it's just by making another blog post! HECK YEAH!

So what I need right now is a role model. I already established that I'm a pathetic human being. That means, I need the complete opposite. A badass non-human being!
And I think I just found the one....

THE DOLPHIN!

Everyone knows dolphins as these beautiful, graceful animals or as "gay sharks" but these dudes are some badass mofos, trust me!

First of all: all of them have "blowholes". I mean, how awesome is that? Humans would be so much cooler if they had something called blowholes, that's for sure...

And dolphins hate babies. So much, in fact, that they kill them. On a regular basis. For several reasons, one of them being "just for fun".
Yeah, that's right. When female dolphins give birth, they are not interested in mating for a short period of time. Because, well, they gotta take care of dem babies, you know? Male dolphins know this - and so they kill their own offspring so that the female dolphins are in "the mood" again.
They also kill babies from other marine creatures, for example baby sharks. And as already stated, scientists have found out that dolphins enjoy brutally murdering other animals. Dolphins are complete sociopaths!
Buuuut... I guess I'm on their side when it comes to being against babies in general. Gotta respect an anti-baby-bro!

Let's not forget their special abilities.
Dolphins can leap up to 30 feet in the air when jumping out of the water. I can't even jump high enough to get to all the dust on top of my closet!
They can consume up to 30 pounds of fish per day (Sounds like a Tuesday to me, amiright?!?!?) and do so by surrounding a couple of fish as a team. They do what is necessary to get the food for the pod members - jumps, zig zag patterns, circles... I imagine them as the cool kids in Grease with their finger snapping, looking like the ultimate bullies...
Their hearing ability is 10x better than our hearing ability + they use echolocation to communicate in the water by identifying sound waves. How cool would it be to send some thoughts through the air just by thinking about it? All those calories you burn with speaking? Keep'em as fat on your hips and send that shit via sound waves!

And the last and definitely the coolest thing about dolphins is that we now know that some of them are serious drug addicts! (See: Spy in the Pod, a series produced for BBC One by the award-winning wildlife documentary producer John Downer).
Dolphins 'deliberately get high' on puffer fish nerve toxins by carefully chewing and passing them around! The toxins have a narcotic effect and the dolphins appear to have worked out how to make the fish release just the right amount. They are the stoners of the animal kingdom!

Dolphins are freakin' awesome.
They combine extreme cuteness with unexpected dangerousness. The PERFECT combination, if you ask me.
Sure, pandas are even more awesome, but on a scale of 1 to panda, dolphins are a solid 8!

And check this out: I just finished this blog post! Thanks, dolphins, you rock!
And next time you think you're too quiet, lazy or just lame:
BE A DOLPHIN!

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~music time~

Terry Poison - Man after Man
The vocals seem a bit off at the beginning, but the more you listen to it, the more it grows on you. Extremely addicitve and the essence of alternative music!




Again, for more music, head over to my ->tumblr and follow me there! :]

That's it for now...
Greetings
~Maximiwax'*

Skills I've Mastered!

Hey Y'all, I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

I haven't done a blog post in a looong time (at least it feels like an eternity to me), but now I finally found a few minutes of silence, solitude and peace to get back to blogging.
In the meantime, I've done many things, met new people and was asked (or forced) to do stuff I never did before. It's been a learning process of some sort and apart from essential and practical skills, I learned a handful of abilities and lifehacks that make my life easier. Here are a few of them:


Smalltalk
I've been working with Parkinson patients for a linguistic/neurological study for two weeks now. More or less 8 hours a day. This, of course, includes talking to the patients, making sure they're alright, interacting with them and in the long run, maybe even bond with them a little bit.
As you may know, I hate people.
Like, almost all of them. Strangers are the worst. Old people - don't even get me started.

Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I've acquired the knowledge and the social skills to be on one level with the seniors when it comes to smalltalk. I get their worries, I get their hopes, I get what happens in their life, I get THEM.
Admittedly, all they really wanna talk about is the good/bad weather and their diseases, but hey. Cut me some slack! I deserve some credit for dealing with them - given that I'm the ultimate misanthrope!

 

 (recycled picture for obvious reasons)

Freezing
For some reason, I always wore t-shirts at work. That was a big mistake, because dem sunny days still felt far gone and the temperatures were like "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman..." - only with "winter" and "spring".
But the cold didn't bother me at all. I then realized, that I'm totally down with being cold and definitely prefer freezing over sweating like a pig. Good thing I don't own any other casual clothing for my upper body except for t-shirts.

One time, one of the older patients pointed out my pointy nipples. (MY EYES ARE UP HERE, LADY!)
After that, I noticed that there was not one time that my nipples were flat like they should be. Always poking through my shirt, checking out what's going on in this world.
*BING, here we are! What's up world? Nice, chilly weather, heh? Haha we are nipples*

Honestly, my nips could cut glass when I'm freezing!

Footwork
I may have the most unpractical, boxy and bulky flesh-props for feet (I can't even pick up a pen with them ._.'') but I learned to do everyday tasks with them instead of using my hands. Really convenient if you got no hand left due to holding the munchies stock.

Closing/opening doors? No problem.
Reaching for that book on that table because you're too lazy to get out of your cozy bed? Done.
Balancing a glass of water (Let's just call it "water", ok?) because it threatens to fall over and wet your bed (I've been spending a lot of time in my bed, lately, hm?) ? You got it.


Looking better in photos
Let's be honest: There's no such thing as justice and equal chances when it comes to looking good. Some are luckier than others, some just look busted all the time. But there is something you could call "internet pretty".
You may not be oozing beauty and attractiveness in real life, but once you know your angles, find the light and work the camera, you got yourself a pic that you look half-decent on.
And that's what I mastered.
My face doesn't know what symmetry is, my skin is bad, my teeth aren't straight and my hair has the mood swings of a 13-year-old.
But give me a few minutes, a smart phone and maybe access to some image editing program et voilà:
I look like a normal human being! In the best case maaaaybe even a tad handsome. But only a tad.

WITH a bit of work

WITHOUT

Just print out a pic of me before we meet and staple it to my face if you wanna spends some time with me.
That should do the trick!



Apropos "trick", here comes the last and most important ability that I've acquired:
Tricking people into thinking that I can draw
Yes, I put a lot of work into these stupid little comics. And yes, they somehow support the blog posts and you can fairly recognize what it is that I drew. But my drawing skills are those of an 8th grader.

As the attentive reader that you are, you know that I wanted to be a painter when I grow up. Unfortunately, I came off the art track and slithered on the let's-just-study-something-and-see-how-it-goes track.

I have some understanding of perspective, color coordination and realism. But give me a task like "Max, draw a tiger for me! One that is running a bit towards you with an open mouth!" and all you get is a kindergarten-y cat with an angry looking smiley on it.

It's the little things that make a difference.
I may not have accomplished much in the last few weeks, but these abilities are worth something, right?
Right?
Right.

Baby steps, Max, baby steps...

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~music time~

 









There are sooooo many tracks that need to be shared, but it would go beyond the scope right now...
Just check out -> maximiwax.tumblr.com and follow me there to get regular updates and music posts!

Please comment below if you want more music-based content with a bit more depth or just a blog post like this one! I'd really appreciate it :)

Enjoy the week and welcome the sun!
Greetings
~Maximiwax'*