Tiny Hand

2014/04/12

BE A DOLPHIN!

I've just finished watching the first season of "The Mindy Project" within the last 3 or 4 days (It's funny and entertaining like New Girl, but not as in-your-face-quirky - LOVE IT!) and by closing the tab that I streamed the show with, I regained consciousness over my current situation.
It's 4 p.m. on a Saturday, I'm lying in my bed in a rather uncomfortable position in order to type this (and to play a stupid minigame on Facebook), regretting the amount of food I ate within the last 3 hours and wearing nothing but some shorts and a dirty t-shirt. I have nothing better to do right now and I've got nothing planned for the evening. Maybe drinking a glass of wine. Alone. Or a bottle. Still alone and with the risk of drunk-texting a friend, my future husband or my ex.

I'm a pathetic human being.
I should get a grip and do something. Yeah, I should do something and be productive! Even if it's just by making another blog post! HECK YEAH!

So what I need right now is a role model. I already established that I'm a pathetic human being. That means, I need the complete opposite. A badass non-human being!
And I think I just found the one....

THE DOLPHIN!

Everyone knows dolphins as these beautiful, graceful animals or as "gay sharks" but these dudes are some badass mofos, trust me!

First of all: all of them have "blowholes". I mean, how awesome is that? Humans would be so much cooler if they had something called blowholes, that's for sure...

And dolphins hate babies. So much, in fact, that they kill them. On a regular basis. For several reasons, one of them being "just for fun".
Yeah, that's right. When female dolphins give birth, they are not interested in mating for a short period of time. Because, well, they gotta take care of dem babies, you know? Male dolphins know this - and so they kill their own offspring so that the female dolphins are in "the mood" again.
They also kill babies from other marine creatures, for example baby sharks. And as already stated, scientists have found out that dolphins enjoy brutally murdering other animals. Dolphins are complete sociopaths!
Buuuut... I guess I'm on their side when it comes to being against babies in general. Gotta respect an anti-baby-bro!
Let's not forget their special abilities.
Dolphins can leap up to 30 feet in the air when jumping out of the water. I can't even jump high enough to get to all the dust on top of my closet!
They can consume up to 30 pounds of fish per day (Sounds like a Tuesday to me, amiright?!?!?) and do so by surrounding a couple of fish as a team. They do what is necessary to get the food for the pod members - jumps, zig zag patterns, circles... I imagine them as the cool kids in Grease with their finger snapping, looking like the ultimate bullies...
Their hearing ability is 10x better than our hearing ability + they use echolocation to communicate in the water by identifying sound waves. How cool would it be to send some thoughts through the air just by thinking about it? All those calories you burn with speaking? Keep'em as fat on your hips and send that shit via sound waves!

And the last and definitely the coolest thing about dolphins is that we now know that some of them are serious drug addicts! (See: Spy in the Pod, a series produced for BBC One by the award-winning wildlife documentary producer John Downer).
Dolphins 'deliberately get high' on puffer fish nerve toxins by carefully chewing and passing them around! The toxins have a narcotic effect and the dolphins appear to have worked out how to make the fish release just the right amount. They are the stoners of the animal kingdom!
Dolphins are freakin' awesome.
They combine extreme cuteness with unexpected dangerousness. The PERFECT combination, if you ask me.
Sure, pandas are even more awesome, but on a scale of 1 to panda, dolphins are a solid 8!

And check this out: I just finished this blog post! Thanks, dolphins, you rock!
And next time you think you're too quiet, lazy or just lame:
BE A DOLPHIN!


-----------------------------------------
~music time~










Terry Poison - Man after Man
The vocals seem a bit off at the beginning, but the more you listen to it, the more it grows on you. Extremely addicitve and the essence of alternative music!




Again, for more music, head over to my ->tumblr and follow me there! :]

That's it for now...
Greetings
~Maximiwax'*

2014/03/24

Skills I've Mastered!

Hey Y'all, I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

I haven't done a blog post in a looong time (at least it feels like an eternity to me), but now I finally found a few minutes of silence, solitude and peace to get back to blogging.
In the meantime, I've done many things, met new people and was asked (or forced) to do stuff I never did before. It's been a learning process of some sort and apart from essential and practical skills, I learned a handful of abilities and lifehacks that make my life easier. Here are a few of them:


Smalltalk
I've been working with Parkinson patients for a linguistic/neurological study for two weeks now. More or less 8 hours a day. This, of course, includes talking to the patients, making sure they're alright, interacting with them and in the long run, maybe even bond with them a little bit.
As you may know, I hate people.
Like, almost all of them. Strangers are the worst. Old people - don't even get me started.

Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I've acquired the knowledge and the social skills to be on one level with the seniors when it comes to smalltalk. I get their worries, I get their hopes, I get what happens in their life, I get THEM.
Admittedly, all they really wanna talk about is the good/bad weather and their diseases, but hey. Cut me some slack! I deserve some credit for dealing with them - given that I'm the ultimate misanthrope!
 (recycled picture for obvious reasons)


Freezing
For some reason, I always wore t-shirts at work. That was a big mistake, because dem sunny days still felt far gone and the temperatures were like "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman..." - only with "winter" and "spring".
But the cold didn't bother me at all. I then realized, that I'm totally down with being cold and definitely prefer freezing over sweating like a pig. Good thing I don't own any other casual clothing for my upper body except for t-shirts.

One time, one of the older patients pointed out my pointy nipples. (MY EYES ARE UP HERE, LADY!)
After that, I noticed that there was not one time that my nipples were flat like they should be. Always poking through my shirt, checking out what's going on in this world.
*BING, here we are! What's up world? Nice, chilly weather, heh? Haha we are nipples*

Honestly, my nips could cut glass when I'm freezing!

Footwork
I may have the most unpractical, boxy and bulky flesh-props for feet (I can't even pick up a pen with them ._.'') but I learned to do everyday tasks with them instead of using my hands. Really convenient if you got no hand left due to holding the munchies stock.

Closing/opening doors? No problem.
Reaching for that book on that table because you're too lazy to get out of your cozy bed? Done.
Balancing a glass of water (Let's just call it "water", ok?) because it threatens to fall over and wet your bed (I've been spending a lot of time in my bed, lately, hm?) ? You got it.


Looking better in photos
Let's be honest: There's no such thing as justice and equal chances when it comes to looking good. Some are luckier than others, some just look busted all the time. But there is something you could call "internet pretty".
You may not be oozing beauty and attractiveness in real life, but once you know your angles, find the light and work the camera, you got yourself a pic that you look half-decent on.
And that's what I mastered.
My face doesn't know what symmetry is, my skin is bad, my teeth aren't straight and my hair has the mood swings of a 13-year-old.
But give me a few minutes, a smart phone and maybe access to some image editing program et voilĂ :
I look like a normal human being! In the best case maaaaybe even a tad handsome. But only a tad.

WITH a bit of work

WITHOUT

Just print out a pic of me before we meet and staple it to my face if you wanna spends some time with me.
That should do the trick!



Apropos "trick", here comes the last and most important ability that I've acquired:
Tricking people into thinking that I can draw
Yes, I put a lot of work into these stupid little comics. And yes, they somehow support the blog posts and you can fairly recognize what it is that I drew. But my drawing skills are those of an 8th grader.

As the attentive reader that you are, you know that I wanted to be a painter when I grow up. Unfortunately, I came off the art track and slithered on the let's-just-study-something-and-see-how-it-goes track.

I have some understanding of perspective, color coordination and realism. But give me a task like "Max, draw a tiger for me! One that is running a bit towards you with an open mouth!" and all you get is a kindergarten-y cat with an angry looking smiley on it.

It's the little things that make a difference.
I may not have accomplished much in the last few weeks, but these abilities are worth something, right?
Right?
Right.

Baby steps, Max, baby steps...


-----------------------------------------------------------
~music time~




 









There are sooooo many tracks that need to be shared, but it would go beyond the scope right now...
Just check out -> maximiwax.tumblr.com and follow me there to get regular updates and music posts!

Please comment below if you want more music-based content with a bit more depth or just a blog post like this one! I'd really appreciate it :)

Enjoy the week and welcome the sun!
Greetings
~Maximiwax'*