It's 4 p.m. on a Saturday, I'm lying in my bed in a rather uncomfortable position in order to type this (and to play a stupid minigame on Facebook), regretting the amount of food I ate within the last 3 hours and wearing nothing but some shorts and a dirty t-shirt. I have nothing better to do right now and I've got nothing planned for the evening. Maybe drinking a glass of wine. Alone. Or a bottle. Still alone and with the risk of drunk-texting a friend, my future husband or my ex.
I'm a pathetic human being.
So what I need right now is a role model. I already established that I'm a pathetic human being. That means, I need the complete opposite. A badass non-human being!
And I think I just found the one....
Everyone knows dolphins as these beautiful, graceful animals or as "gay sharks" but these dudes are some badass mofos, trust me!
First of all: all of them have "blowholes". I mean, how awesome is that? Humans would be so much cooler if they had something called blowholes, that's for sure...
And dolphins hate babies. So much, in fact, that they kill them. On a regular basis. For several reasons, one of them being "just for fun".
Yeah, that's right. When female dolphins give birth, they are not interested in mating for a short period of time. Because, well, they gotta take care of dem babies, you know? Male dolphins know this - and so they kill their own offspring so that the female dolphins are in "the mood" again.
They also kill babies from other marine creatures, for example baby sharks. And as already stated, scientists have found out that dolphins enjoy brutally murdering other animals. Dolphins are complete sociopaths!
Buuuut... I guess I'm on their side when it comes to being against babies in general. Gotta respect an anti-baby-bro!
Dolphins can leap up to 30 feet in the air when jumping out of the water. I can't even jump high enough to get to all the dust on top of my closet!
They can consume up to 30 pounds of fish per day (Sounds like a Tuesday to me, amiright?!?!?) and do so by surrounding a couple of fish as a team. They do what is necessary to get the food for the pod members - jumps, zig zag patterns, circles... I imagine them as the cool kids in Grease with their finger snapping, looking like the ultimate bullies...
Their hearing ability is 10x better than our hearing ability + they use echolocation to communicate in the water by identifying sound waves. How cool would it be to send some thoughts through the air just by thinking about it? All those calories you burn with speaking? Keep'em as fat on your hips and send that shit via sound waves!
And the last and definitely the coolest thing about dolphins is that we now know that some of them are serious drug addicts! (See: Spy in the Pod, a series produced for BBC One by the award-winning wildlife documentary producer John Downer).
Dolphins 'deliberately get high' on puffer fish nerve toxins by carefully chewing and passing them around! The toxins have a narcotic effect and the dolphins appear to have worked out how to make the fish release just the right amount. They are the stoners of the animal kingdom!
They combine extreme cuteness with unexpected dangerousness. The PERFECT combination, if you ask me.
Sure, pandas are even more awesome, but on a scale of 1 to panda, dolphins are a solid 8!
And check this out: I just finished this blog post! Thanks, dolphins, you rock!
And next time you think you're too quiet, lazy or just lame:
BE A DOLPHIN!
Terry Poison - Man after Man
The vocals seem a bit off at the beginning, but the more you listen to it, the more it grows on you. Extremely addicitve and the essence of alternative music!
Again, for more music, head over to my ->tumblr and follow me there! :]
That's it for now...