Tiny Hand


Xmas-imiwax and Life Choices

'Tis the season. Take a look out of your window and what do you see? Frantic faces, cheesy Christmas decorations and lights all over the place. And Xmas still almost a month away!

Of course, Xmas is the holiday of love ...*yuck*... Some might say it's the holiday of gifts and the obligatory cramp of finding and buying the right gifts without going bankrupt. I say, it's the holiday of awkward and tedious conversations with relatives and burning questions about your life.

So what are you up to?
How's school/studying/work doing?
Found a job yet?

These questions put an anime-like drop of sweat on my forehead. Life doesn't put enought pressure on you, oh no, there have to be people who put you into a state of irritation and confusion with their gnawing questions all of the time, especially on birthdays, Xmas and other celebrations! And no matter how often you see these people or how often you get these question, THEY ALWAYS COME BACK! Just for ONE Christmas season, I want to experience inner peace and non-existant scrutiny.

And if you're like me - a 20-something; somewhere between studying, finding a job and sleeping; and a master of constant procrastination - you start to ask yourself the same question: What am I doing with my life?

I just got my Bachelor's degree and continue to visit some courses, but overall, I'm an unemployed, lazy bastard like the ones "our kind" tends to make fun of. The problem is, I don't really know what comes next.
It's as if life was a jungle. And you're Tarzan. Well, I'm Tarzan, I mean look at dat bod'! You're ... Jane? One of the monkeys? Okay, you can be Tarzan, too... Anyway, you're Tarzan and the purpose of your life is to jump from liana to liana to get to the destination of your choice. Luckily, life gives you a selection of several lianas right after the other.
"Already able to talk and not shit your pants? Here, have a grade school liana! Done with 1+1 and all that stuff? Nice, what about these high school lianas? Wow, Mr./Ms. graduate is in da houze! Great, now here are a few options to choose from: maybe a university or some scholarships in between? Nice choice! Oh, what do we have here, you got a degree now, huh? Weeeeeell... Umm... Yeah. I'm out. Good luck, kiddo!"
And you don't wanna know where you'll find yourself when falling to the ground...

I could hang on to my current liana. I could cling on to my degree and try to jump to the big Master's tree. But right now, that tree is of no interest for me, yet. I WANT to comb through the jungle, see what's out there, try my best not to fall down.

I've sent out several applications, but the only positive response I received came from a rather uncommon career field. "Barrel-organ Klaus" contacted me and asked, if I wanted to be Santa this Christmas. Visiting families' homes, acting like the big, bearded, old fairytale man and warming children's hearts.

Guys... if you're reading this, you might as well know the other blog posts and my opinion about these crazy, little mofos. Children are the worst. And this Mr. Klaus wants ME to be their entertainer this year?
So yeah, I'm Santa Claus, signed a contract and all... I mean, I get paid for it, so why not, right?

It seems like I have to visit 4-5 families on Christmas Eve. I WILL have difficulties not to drown myself in gl├╝hwein right before the meetings (the contract states that I am not allowed to work under the influence. urgh), I WILL have difficulties to stay in character and I WILL have difficulties not to crush some children's dreams.
Something in me really wants to, though...
Oh, just the thought of angry parents, crying boys and girls, a ruined holiday and several years of costly therapy brings a smile to my face :)
What a shame that I have to act all normal and orderly to get the money... Oh well. Maybe some other time...

~music time~

Instead of torturing you with a Christmas playlist, I decided to make another compilation. A selection of my favorite tracks from, well, September until November. I know I'm a shitty blogger when it comes to monthly blog posts, but hey, the Maximimixes are all the better! ;) It got some Indie Rock, some remixes, psychedelic alternative Pop and a handful of electronic tracks, hope you like it!


Life of Pi(e) - Or - How (NOT) to Lose Weight

Do you know this movie called "Life of Pi"? Well, what a dumb question, of course you do.
It may be one of my favorite movies, even though not many seem to share my love for this film. I'm a huge fan of cinematic drama, big pictures, fantasy and images that have an impact on me and my feels.
There was this one scene in particular that took my breath away. A scene shot from above the boat in the middle of the night. The water reflects the night sky and all of these tiny little stars like a mirror. It was my first ever 3D experience since these old green/red-glass-thingies. I was in awe. It looked like Pi, the tiger and the boat were floating upside down across the firmament. Unfortunately, I can't find a picture for that scene on the Web, but this is what it looks like in my memory.
Yep, I'm Pi here.
Another reason for me to like this film was the story of the book. Basically, Pi tells two different stories. And even though one seems more likely than the other, both could be possible in some way. Or maybe it's a combination of both that happened. 

I want to tell you a story. Or rather two short ones, to be exaxt. You decide which one is real or whether any of these stories really happened that way.
I already mentioned on this blog that I lost a few pounds (see below).

 and After (wearing the same clothes)
Many, many friends, family members and acquaintances asked me how I lost all this weight. Recently, I've been getting more and more frustrated with the same question being asked over and over again, which is why I want to tell you how I did it and, thereby, end this bugging questioning.

-- O N E --
I felt miserable when I looked into the mirror. I liked my broad shoulders and my body type, because a six-pack is not what I look for in a person. Appearance may be of some importance, but there's nothing better than humor, a cute smile or an exciting conversation. Unfortunately, the rest of the world can be extremely superficial. To the extent that you cannot even come close to getting to know a person if said person is not interested in you. Look-wise. So, you have to look a certain way to be part of this bubble of attractive people. If you don't fit their criteria, you need to go back to your own bubble, the bubble of average-looking people where only average-looking people date each other. At least that's what I thought at that time.
And then my inner demon took over. The demon that is self-destructive and that doesn't care if I suffer; who, maybe, enjoys my suffering. So I started to eat less. And less. And even less. There were days when I had difficulties to cross the corridor at my university because of malnutrition. If I ate more than I allowed myself, I would sometimes throw some of it up again, just to make sure it wouldn't end up on my hips. I would take laxatives to lose weight, I started to smoke cigarettes every once in while, I did everything imaginable. Sometimes, when I met my friends for a cooking (and drinking) evening, I would starve myself throughout the day just to prevent eating and drinking too much calories in the end. Or, I would not want to eat at all and look forward to a night full of drinking, because with less meat on my bones and not as much food in my stomach, the alcohol would work better. 
I shed kilo after kilo, bought t-shirts several sizes smaller than my old shirts and somehow enjoyed being "normal". Then - a few months too late - people asked me if everything's okay, whether they should be concerned about my well-being or not. This is when I realized that I had crossed the line. Up until now, I managed to normalize my diet. Stress and the resistance of that bitchy demon make me suffer some small setbacks, but all in all, I'm rather healthy again. I like the new me, it's just the way I got there that may be questionable.

 -- T W O --
It's true, I was a hot mess. I ate what was within reach and did not think about doing sports at all. I mean, why do something that I do not enjoy WHATSOEVER if you can eat some yummy pie instead, right??
Then, some day, I looked into the mirror and I felt miserable. Maybe because of my appearance, maybe because of the beauty stigma that was superimposed upon me via the media. I knew I had to do something. I've always been that kinda-funny fat kid, sociable and harmless. I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to feel somewhat attractive for once. I considered doing weird stuff like throwing up or just plain not-eating, but your body is a temple, right? So I x-ed chocolate from my meal plan, reduced the average size of my meals and tried to eat a little bit healthier. I found out some tricks that help dieting: Drinking ice-cold water (because your body burns calories while bringing the water to your body temperature), using a tiiiiny little fork/spoon (eating takes a lot longer with baby-sized cutlery) and brushing your teeth earlier at night (who wants to eat something savory if you still got dat sweet, minty taste in yo mouth?). I learned a lot from cooking with friends and youtube videos, thereby getting some more tips for my nutrition. I'm still nowhere near being REALLY healthy, since I still have some slips with dem nomnoms, but I exchanged snacks and overeating with vegetables and consideration. I'm still not sure how I lost over 30kg in (not even) half a year, but it seems to work! I was able to hypnotize myself to be a (kind of) healthier person. It took very low self-esteem and shame for me to do so, but hey, it worked! And if you have the same problem as I did, I encourage you to do the same! Come to the healthy side, we...umm... may not have cookies... but gluten-free, organic, lactose-free crackers! ^^''

I hope that I'll never get this annoying question again, now that I shared two possible versions...
So which one is true: The depressing one or the "healthy" one? Or maybe both? You decide!

The moral of this post: Society puts a shit load of pressure on all of us. Stretch marks, love handles, pigment disorders, skin issues - ALL of these things are natural and common. Just because you have one or two flaws doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel attractive. Don't think you need to change to fit into one of the many boxes or bubbles society lays out ready for occupation. If you want to change: Do it! If not: Work dem curves, hunty!


~music time~

Let's forget about weight, health and boring life stories and turn it around with something more upbeat - literally! A selection of the finest tunes I encountered in the last few weeks. Enjoy!

Shura - Touch