Tiny Hand


We Can be Heroes

[DISCLAIMER: I had to change the background color to white to make this post work. F-ing transparency. You'll see what I mean...]

When doing smalltalk, I like to spice things up a bit. Get a bit random. Ask some silly questions and then analyze the answers. It's a good way of getting to know someone. Hard-hitting facts and opinions will only go so far - it's the blabbering that lets you get inside the heads of others!

Some examples for this (you may call it) "technique" are:
If you could be an animal, which animal would you be? (I know this is a lame one, but it gets the ball rolling)
When you dream, do you see everything from your point of view or are you watching what happens as a spectator?
And the famous one
Do you think you see the color "red" the same way I see it?

But my favorite question would have to be If you could have any superpower you want, which one would you choose?
"Why," you may ask? Well, for one thing, because that's one of the questions I asked my boyfriend on our first date (and it seems like it didn't scare him off) and also because YOU GET A LOT OF BULLSHIT ANSWERS!
But let's get back to that later...

With each day that passes, I continue to realize that it's about the little things in life, no matter what circumstance. Not only to enjoy, but also to hate and envy.
Some people just seem to be born with a cheat code, leveling up as they go and being on top of their game all the time. They can do tricks, are smart, got money, look like models and are just a pain in the arse for visually-handicapped fail-monsters like me. I hate them. Even more so, I sometimes don't think they deserve how lucky they are.
Every time I take the train to Jena, I'm overwhelmed with the multitude of beautiful dipshits that grace the earth. *cue "The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson* To me, they seem like superheroes of their own kind. Their superpower is to be better than me. Their weakness: unknown.
Especially now, in the summer time, the dudes are ripped as f*ck and do not seem to have any pores on their faces, let alone blemishes. Like, imagine if someone could look like bacon tastes! (Unless you're a vegetarian)
They wink and an angel gets it's wings. They smile and a homeless person finds some cash on the street. They flex and a volcano erupts. I hate them.
Same goes for the ladies. They are tan, their hair looks like they JUST went to the most expensive hairdresser they could find, their eyebrows are on fleek, their curves could make the number 8 jealous - and they didn't even try to look that good. I hate them.
Meanwhile, the rest of us get out of bed looking like the Scarecrow from Batman, Freddy Krueger and a pile of vomit had some kind of freaky threesome baby with some chromosomes missing. And we try, oooh we try, to look somewhat publicly acceptable by putting a lot of work into our appearance, but without success and with an outcome not nearly as polished as the ones from madames et monsieurs parfait.
Thank god there are pro-fat, pro-"be yourself and have flaws" and pro-"dad bod" movements right now!

But back to the real "superpowers"...

The answer I get the most to the question "Which superpower would you like to have?" is "I wanna be able to fly!"
Let that sink in for a moment.
You want to float a few feet above the ground. Levitate. Play Helicopter or some shit. Sure, ok.
That's the most boring answer anyone could ever give to this question!
Not only does my not-based-on-any-records-chart show that approximately 80% of all people give this answer, which makes it even more bland, but it also shows the uncreativity of the people asked.
Think big, people! How could you benefit from flying around? Is it the tickle in your stomach that you want? The amazing view that you can also get by looking at a postcard or viewing a documentary on mountains or rivers or whatever? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, motherfucker, it's just a person suffering from lameness...
We all know what happened to Icarus.
What a dumbass.
You don't want to be a dumbass, do you?

The first thing I think about in this context is "What kind of badassery would be useful for ME?"!
Several criminal applications come to mind. As un-self-centered as I am, I still want to get something out of this gift that I can choose for myself!

As a little kid, I was fascinated with Midas' golden touch. Sure, it was this power that led to terrible things: he turned his daughter's ass into gold, he couldn't eat or drink, and I bet he cried a lot because of that, which might be damn painful. Metal tears and all. But he solved his problems eventually. Except for his daughter. She was still dead. Oh, and he somehow got donkey ears. But what I got out of this story was "touch thing, thing turns into gold, gold is good, no consequence!"
I somehow seemed to miss that part with the eating and stuff. But hey, bling-bling all the way!
It is obvious what I wanted to do with this superpower when I was little. Get rich, bitch! DUH. But on second thought, maybe I would've found some other use for the golden touch...
Nowadays, I might give a different answer to said question.
I guess telekinesis may come in handy. Moving stuff without the need to move yourself? COUNT. ME. IN.!
Another pick for "favorite superpower" might have to be intangibility/invisibility. Both of them would feed my criminal nature. Think of all the possibilities, all the banks you could rob, the diamonds you could steal, the people you could scare! And let's not forget the things you get to see when sneaking into somebody's room! I would use this gift for NO good reason, whatsoever!!
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My master pick for the ultimate superpower, however, is controlling time. Not in a time-travel kinda way. I mean, who really understands how time-travel works? Every movie I've seen so far that involves this topic is either stupid or confusing.
What I mean is stopping, slowing, rewinding and fast-forwarding time. It has all the benefits of invisibility/intangibility PLUS infinite chances to try again and to fix a fuck-up.
Don't know the answer to a question in your test? BOOM, stop time, look it up, resume.
Said something stupid in front of your crush? BOOM, rewind, rethink, rephrase.
Having a killer trip but only 2 hours left until you don't feel a thing anymore? BOOM, slow down and enjoy.
If this exceptionally good answer doesn't BLOW YOUR FUCKING DICK OFF, I don't know what will. And if you don't have a dick, this answer is SO good that it will sew one on and then IMMEDIATELY blow it off! SHIT YEAH!
Problem is, that you might continue to age while you're experiencing time in a slower manner. Or if you stop time to steal something or hit someone, for instance. But in a perfect world - and I mean, it IS a perfect world where you get to choose your superpower - this wouldn't apply. Right? Yeah, Thought so.

But as I said in the beginning, it's the little things that count.
Some people are able to draw perfect circles by hand. Some are artists with so much talent you shit your pants when looking at their paintings and pictures or hearing their songs. Some are brain surgeons who save lives. Maybe there are PERFECT kissers out there or men that TRULY deserve "Best Dad!" coffee mugs.
Maybe they are superheroes in their own rights.
And if extreme mediocrity could be seen as a superpower, as well, then maybe I'm a superhero, too...


~music time~

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