Tiny Hand


Childhood Logic

There have been several events lately that caused an independent and responsible part of me to emerge and take over my mind. I got a job at my university with a lot of projects to take care of, studying itself, texts to prepare and learn for Christmas-related arrangements and let's not forget scheduling the week to have some free time / time with friends. The more "adult" things I do and the more stress I have, the more I miss the old days where the only concerns I had were "Will I get sick by eating the red Play-Doh?" or "Man, I want to see the full Dragonball Z episode, but my mom makes me go to bed at 9 p.m.!"

All of these care-free, irrelevant and imaginative thoughts one has in his or her juvenile years are gone, only to be remembered in a group of like-minded people with a huge grin on everyone's faces. There were so many illogical theories and fears I had while growing up because of the lack of background information and common knowledge and all of them amuse me now more then ever!

For example, I've always been afraid of a monster / snake / small crocodile to bite me in my buttox, my willie and/or my crown jewels while using the toilet. I'd heard of things like this happening in Australia in the news and - because lil' Max had no idea how distant it is from Germany - I thought that it could happen in my home as well. To this day, I still subconsciously check the bathtub drain and every unfamiliar toilet for possible flesh-loving creatures...

I also had no clue about the human anatomy. I knew that our bodies are made in a way that achieves a regular, warm temperature. And I knew that flowers, plants and trees could grow from little seeds. When I asked a family member what those little grains in my salad were, he told me that they are the seeds from certain plants and that I could eat them.
Well... The earth is kinda warm compared to the air above it. Seeds grow when it's warm and humid. Our bodies are warm inside and definitely humid. 1+1=2.
So OF COURSE, I immediately did not want to eat that stuff! Who'd want a damn tree to grow inside of his stomach?! Or a huge pumpkin!? Wouldn't it be a horrible death if you died of something that grows inside of you!?
The only thing that grows in my stomach nowadays is a food baby.

Another stupid flaw in my infantile logic was figuring out how to react to traffic lights. Before getting a proper teaching about road signs and shit, all you know is "Red means stop, green means go!"
And there was this traffic light right next to my elementary school and every time when my stubby, tiny legs weren't fast enough to cross the road in time, I just stood there and waited 'til the lights went green again. I guess it wasn't until 3rd grade when someone explained to me how stupid that was.

Have you seen The Matrix? Duh, who hasn't... When the first movie came out, my dad got his hands on a copy and I watched it when I was...let's say around 9 or 10. The dumb kid that I was, I couldn't really process all of the information and connections that were in the film, but I realised something - You can see the world with different eyes. Everything around you could be construct of your imagination. Every building, every person.. everything could only exist inside your head. Which means that everything around me was depending on ME. I was the force that created cupcakes, cats and carousels. I was in charge of what would happen to me in the future and why it did. Even if some of the events in my past weren't always how I wanted them to be, I inspired them, made them happen. You can't imagine how powerful and almighty I felt after watching the movie and realising my importance for the world. For the rest of that day, I was the king of the universe and everything of existence and everyone I knew revolved around me!
At the end of the day, I pooped my pants for some reason. Good thing I had some extra briefs with me, but that "King of the Universe" feeling was immediately gone.

Maybe the most disturbing memory I have of my childhood beliefs is the origin of baby oil.
It's easy: Apple pie is made from apples. A gingerbread house is made from gingerbread. And so on...
So when I first saw a bottle of baby oil, my eyes went big and the fear inside of me grew to a terrible extent. "Oh my god!", I thought, "I escaped from a factory of baby-killing, oil-making machines without even knowing it! Those poor beings are crushed and squeezed until their juices ooze out of their body into a plastic container that you can buy several days later in a store and use on one of the surviving babies. This is slaughter! This is a tragedy and nobody cares! What is this hell hole I live in?!??"
Now that I'm all grown up, I really enjoy that thought. Babies are the worst! It would get rid of the overpopulation problem and there would certainly be less heart attacks due to less stress and anger. Maybe we should rethink the process of baby oil making...
(Get it? 'Cuz olive oil is extra virgin and babies and... yeah...)

So these are some examples of stupid childhood logic. I guess everyone has a funny story to tell about his or her past and at certain, difficult times in your life - like the one mentioned at the beginning - it can cheer you up and make yourself feel better. Because, I mean, you're not that stupid anymore! Yay! Let's celebrate that! :D

... Maybe with some tasty jams? Yes? Would that be alright? Wonderful!

~music time~

That's it!
Enjoy the last hours of your weekend like I do - with some vodka/coke! :D


No comments:

Post a Comment