The AWESOMENESS Of The Panda

If you could be any animal, what would it be? Hm?
Okay...
Interesting answer.
But it's wrong.
The right answer is "A MOTHERFUCKING PANDA!"

Our world is inhabited by a small number of magical, cuddly creatures - the best kind of living creatures there is, if you will. Even better than us humans! Which is why I dressed as a panda for Halloween this year. I wanted to feel special, cute and superior.

And I did.

But why are pandas so awesome? - You may ask. Well, here are a few reasons:


The panda's digestive system is actually designed for meat. But as you know, they eat leaves and bamboo.
That means that they are on a constant vegetarian diet. To be exact, their nutrition consists of 99% bamboo.
We should all have pandas as role models when it comes to our eating habits! Nobody is as fab as these modest, undemanding fluffballs!

A panda's face looks soft and round, but it sure is NOT chubby! Pandas have massive cheek muscles and strong jaws that models would die for. They can chew an aluminium dish into tiny pieces! So pandas are the ultimate munch-inators!

One thing many people always forget is that pandas are bears. Yeah, like, everything about them is bear.
Except one tiny little habit: They do not hibernate. They don't say nighty-night and lay down for a few months after eating profusely. They are up and about throughout the whole winter season! Dem pandas are werkin' all the time, honey!

Another characteristic of the panda family is that they are very social. They use scent markings, have different calls for different situations and dangers to notify their bros and gals and - which I find especially intriguing - they have occasional meetings every day just to hang out. I imagine them as the cool kidz from the zoo. You know, the kind that chats and gossips about the other animals...

If you know one thing about me, then it's the fact that I have a thing for poop stories. I don't know why...
And the fact that pandas can produce up to 62 pounds (~ 28 kg) of poo in 24 hours is just flabbergasting!
That's approximately 1/3 of my body weight!!
I hereby bow down to my masters...

The last fact I want to share with you is about their skin.
You would think that pandas have one skin tone under their fur, just like almost any other animal. But that's not true. They have black skin under their black fur and pink skin under their white fur.
They are biracial! So pandas are THE mascot for equality and anti-racism! They don't differentiate between the races!
They are black, white (I mean, we Caucasians look kinda pink, too) AND Asian!
And chubby!!!!

And this is why pandas are the most awesome creatures on this planet.
Full stop.

And to illustrate their awesomeness, here's a gif-overload with pandas being hella adorbs!

And now that your heart is full of joy and happiness, your ears will follow suit!

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~music time~

That's it, folks!
Have a nice week!

Greetings,
~Maximiwax'*

Meet Dominik! - The Cuddly/Awkward One...

Let me paint you a picture of the situation.

On a late summer-y / fall-y sunday, my family celebrated the 80th birthday of my grandma in a rather rustic restaurant. Since the 80th birthday is a huge thing for someone to celebrate (and experience in general), my grandma invited more family members than usual. Among the many people that sat on the birthday table, there was a family of 4 - a dad who is somehow blood related with me, his psyched and grouchy wife that admonished her young daughter regularly for the stupidest things, and last but not least

Dominik.

I remembered Dominik from another birthday (the year before) and his - let me say - peculiar ways.

At first he didn't talk much. But when he noticed another young person at the table, namely me, he started a conversation about school and video games and my open-minded spirit was like "Well, I can deal with that. Maybe he's not so bad."

But then he took out those scooby doo strings.

Immediately, I was brought back to my girlish roots where I, too, made bands with those scooby doo strings while watching Sailor Moon reruns (and I even acted out Bunny's transformation with the moon prism and stuff...). And then he made bands with those strings and showed them to the other family members. He felt like he's a super cool dude with those bands and how some of them could glow in the dark and others had glitter on them. This kid was doomed. Oh boy...

Anyway...

My sister and I decided to get drunk on the day of my grandma's birthday party, just because we felt like it and because it was the only way to cope with the family drama. So we chatted along in our quiet corner about topics that were not suitable for children while sipping sparkling wine and noticed out of the corner of our eyes that Dominik was listening to us. And he was laughing with us, too. That kid was 14/15 at that time, so he did not understand what we were talking about (I hope). This was the first sign of his awkardness.

And the awkwardness escalated quickly. Oh yes, it did...

Part of the birthday was a coach ride as a gift for my grandma, but we needed to wait an hour or so before the carriage arrived. So my sis and I were standing there, her arm hooked into mine ('Cuz I'm a gentleman, ya know?) and a wild Dominik appeared. And without further ado, lil' Creepy McNerdson whispered "You must know that I'm a reeaal hug bug!" (zu Deutsch: Du musst wissen: Ich bin eine richtige Kuschelmaus!")

...

...

And then he clinged to my sister's arm, cuddling up as if it was a normal thing to do.

My sisters reaction: Fear. Disgust. And squeezing my arm as if she wanted to amputate it.

(I'm sorry if this is not how you expected to be portrayed. I'm so bad with boobs, you know that...)

This may seem trivial to some of you, but at that moment, this was one of the creepiest things I've ever experienced. A 14/15-year-old cuddling up with his adult family members who he barely knows. Something definitely went wrong in his upbringing...

And that's not enough.

After the coach ride, we had coffee at the same restaurant and somehow Mr. Creep changed his place to sit right next to me.

And what did he do right before our coffee and cake was served?

He used this damn sentence again ("Max, you must know that I'm a real hug bug!") and he snuggled up, rubbed my arm lovingly and laid his head on my shoulder.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. DOMINIK!?!?!?

I said that I'm uncomfortable with him being so close to me and clingy and that I hope that he doesn't take offense at it. I think, you can imagine the awkward silence in our corner of the table that followed.

And even though I know he'll never read these lines...
This goes to you, Dominik:
Get a girlfriend! Or a boyfriend, you don't seem to make a difference there.
Just get someone and cuddle the SHIT out of that person!
So me and my sis will only touch your scooby doo hands if socially necessary (like when greeting you or saying goodbye).
Or maybe we should only wave. Yeah, that'll do the trick!

If you guys follow me on tumblr., you might've noticed that I shared some really nice tracks in the meantime. Here they are again, for all y'all lazy f*ckers! :D

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~music time~

mashup? yessss... daft punk + gorillaz? double-yesss






this man doesn’t give two shits that it’s 2013. timeless soul music ftw!


That's it for now, guys

Have a nice weekend!
Greetings
~Maximiwax'*