MaxVentures Through Hell!

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WELCOME TO MAXVENTURES THROUGH HELL!
Select your player!
*pling*
You chose: Maximiwax - The Uselessness Mage!

Choose the difficulty level!
#Literally Heaven (Easy)
#Some kind of town, like, with a nice neighbourhood but with many grumpy elders and only few parking spots (Medium)
#Hell (Hard)
You chose: Hell - HARD MODE!
[Why the heck did you do that, you dumb f*ck? You could've just...aaaaah, forget it. Good luck, moron!]

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Hello there, young stranger! You seem to be new here.... You look like an adventurer.
I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow right into my d---Well, never mind.
This crippled figure you see in front of you is all that's left after a hard journey through Hell. Well, actually, I moved to Halle, which is its original name, when I heard an old myth about an ancient "master power" that you inherit once you defeat the MASTER himself. Many hopeful adventurers come here every year, trying their luck with fate, overcoming challenges and finally gaining the master power. I thought, if so many others went along this path before me - successfully - , it may not be that difficult, that I could study enough spells and defeat enough monsters to be the most powerful version of myself and ready for the ultimate master power... But I'm still far away from it. Sure, I grew stronger and stronger, but Halle - or, rather, Hell - takes its toll on you, my friend! Let me tell you my story and what it is that you will face - in case you persevere and survive...

Do you want to skip the tutorial/prolog?
[Yes / No]
*pling*
[Yes / No]

I travelled a long way to get here. I was born and raised in a small, nice village, which, at first glance, looks a lot like Hell. When I noticed that I was receptive for magical powers and skills, I decided to broaden my horizon, and this is where my fate brought me. Unfortunately, I might add. I tried to adapt to Hell's ways and become one of Hell's people. But these Hellnaws* are of a special kind.
[Hellnaws, or Awwwwhellnaws, are NPCs. Click the icon above their head to talk to them and get quests. Interacting with Hellnaws can give you XP and +Charisma, but certain Hellnaws have a grey glow around them. Stay away from these Hellnaws or they infect you with stupidity poison, which deals stultification dmg over time.]

My first days in Hell were especially hard. I was all alone in my little hut, left with nothing but the sound of my own voice, a bed and water that gave me diarrhea. I was still too inexperienced for the dangers that lurked outside, so I had to deal with what I had. And this is where I met my first enemy:
Diamond Von Wall-Nut.

[An adventurer needs a place to come home to, to rest and regain stamina. Lie down a couple of hours to recover +Health and +Sanity. But choose your sleeping time wisely! (Awwww)Hellnaws will try to wake you up in the middle of the night with screams, shooting sounds and explosions! This will decrease the sleeping time you will get! Alcohol can help you with a sound sleep, but gives -Health and -Intelligence.]
I thought about changing things up in my hut, so I bought a drill to make some holes in the walls. I guess I woke up an ancient jewel monster by trying to perforate my hut's walls, because what I encountered was Diamond Von Wall-Nut, a stubborn, impenetrable tank-type. Neither steel nails nor my drill could do anything against its will, let alone its body. Diamond Von Wall-Nut seemed to reinforce more defense power the more desperate I got. At one point, I used my whole body weight and drilled for minutes and minutes without any success. Fortunately, I upgraded my drill into the "Super-Diamond-Drill of Destruction" [Rare Item] and was therefore able to defeat my first enemy! But this upgrade was done weeks later. In the meantime, I tried to stay away from Von Wall-Nut as far as I could and come to terms with what I had: a hut without a fireplace, a counter, shelves or decoration. Just a plain old hut with a bed, a toilet, a cooling-machine and some power outlets. [Power outlets are essential on your path. Keep an eye out for them and use them as often as you can! +Energy, +Distraction]
But without any furniture with some surface area on it, there was nothing to be done cooking-wise. For a whole week, I subsisted on instant noodles, which I cooked with the water that I boiled on my toilet seat. So I ordered a simple mini kitchen. Suddenly, this kitchen turned into my next enemy:
Mrs. Bitchin' Kitchen.

With my strength at that point in time, I was nowhere near strong enough to defeat the Mrs. alone. Even before the actual battle, I had extreme difficulties getting her parts into my hut. So I hired an experienced soldier who specialized in kitchen annihilation. Sure, that fellow was as smart as a brick, but he helped me out with her parts and even ganked with me on Von Wall-Nut here and there with his equipment. The Mrs. used "Uneven Diamond Walls", "Questionable Oddments" and "Heavy Weight" on us and got an extra complication buff from Von Wall-Nut, but we finally defeated her with my Super-Diamond-Drill Of Destruction and the soldier's assembling spells, gaining extra XP for the team fight.

I was able to put stuff on my walls. I could cook meals without using my toilet. AND I came to terms with my general situation. Sounds like perfect conditions for me to fight my way to the ultimate quest: getting dat master power. But there was one monster-duo that kept me from getting there:
Electrishitty & Aqua Fuck'Ya.

Both of them tag-teamed me for several weeks, sometimes taking turns, but most of the time they acted as one. While Electrishitty blew out all the power sources in my hut, which I DESPERATELY need (for, like, doing my hair, working with my space portal [computer], having fresh food and ingredients and, most importantly, not sitting in the goddamn dark - in the wintertime!!!), Aqua Fuck'ya finished me off with an undrinkable, yellow-ish liquid, which, as I said, gave me the shits (-Health, but +Appearance), and an everlasting ice-fountain where warm water should be.
I was a wreck. I was destroyed. I used all of my resurrection scrolls to get me through those tough times. I contacted Hell's priests and blacksmiths, but they were of no help at all. All I could do was wait. And wait. And wait. While my outward appearance started to match my internal withering. But my endurance and will power payed off! After their gang rape, they just disappeared into nothingness, maybe haunting another adventurer's hut to this day. 

As you can see, there will obstacles on your way that you cannot overcome by simply defending yourself. You need to grow strong, to reflect on what is important, to pray and keep your sanity.
Hell is... a dark place. In many ways.The Hellnaws might be helpful one day, but useless or even hurtful on another. I don't even know what the MASTER really looks like or if it is possible for me to face him in the near future and get the master power. But maybe you can defeat him.
So focus on your main quest!
Try out new things!
Learn how to prove yourself in this hopeless world!
And most importantly: Become, what you came here for - an independent warrior, fighting his or her way through the hurdles of life.

I hope you know what lies ahead of you...
It's dangerous to go alone.
Take this!
[Player 1 got ADVICE!]
[Open ADVICE?] 
[Yes / No] 
It says:

DON'T DO IT! DON'T GO! Go home, for christ's sake! 

You idiot chose the Hard Mode! 

Just restart the game and choose "Easy". Got that? "EASY"!!!

Continue?
[Yes / No]
*pling*
[Yes / No]

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WELCOME TO MAXVENTURES THROUGH HELL!
Select your player!
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~music time~

We Can be Heroes

[DISCLAIMER: I had to change the background color to white to make this post work. F-ing transparency. You'll see what I mean...]

When doing smalltalk, I like to spice things up a bit. Get a bit random. Ask some silly questions and then analyze the answers. It's a good way of getting to know someone. Hard-hitting facts and opinions will only go so far - it's the blabbering that lets you get inside the heads of others!

Some examples for this (you may call it) "technique" are:
If you could be an animal, which animal would you be? (I know this is a lame one, but it gets the ball rolling)
When you dream, do you see everything from your point of view or are you watching what happens as a spectator?
And the famous one
Do you think you see the color "red" the same way I see it?

But my favorite question would have to be If you could have any superpower you want, which one would you choose?
"Why," you may ask? Well, for one thing, because that's one of the questions I asked my boyfriend on our first date (and it seems like it didn't scare him off) and also because YOU GET A LOT OF BULLSHIT ANSWERS!
But let's get back to that later...


With each day that passes, I continue to realize that it's about the little things in life, no matter what circumstance. Not only to enjoy, but also to hate and envy.
Some people just seem to be born with a cheat code, leveling up as they go and being on top of their game all the time. They can do tricks, are smart, got money, look like models and are just a pain in the arse for visually-handicapped fail-monsters like me. I hate them. Even more so, I sometimes don't think they deserve how lucky they are.
Every time I take the train to Jena, I'm overwhelmed with the multitude of beautiful dipshits that grace the earth. *cue "The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson* To me, they seem like superheroes of their own kind. Their superpower is to be better than me. Their weakness: unknown.
Especially now, in the summer time, the dudes are ripped as f*ck and do not seem to have any pores on their faces, let alone blemishes. Like, imagine if someone could look like bacon tastes! (Unless you're a vegetarian)
They wink and an angel gets it's wings. They smile and a homeless person finds some cash on the street. They flex and a volcano erupts. I hate them.

Same goes for the ladies. They are tan, their hair looks like they JUST went to the most expensive hairdresser they could find, their eyebrows are on fleek, their curves could make the number 8 jealous - and they didn't even try to look that good. I hate them.

Meanwhile, the rest of us get out of bed looking like the Scarecrow from Batman, Freddy Krueger and a pile of vomit had some kind of freaky threesome baby with some chromosomes missing. And we try, oooh we try, to look somewhat publicly acceptable by putting a lot of work into our appearance, but without success and with an outcome not nearly as polished as the ones from madames et monsieurs parfait.

Thank god there are pro-fat, pro-"be yourself and have flaws" and pro-"dad bod" movements right now!



But back to the real "superpowers"...

The answer I get the most to the question "Which superpower would you like to have?" is "I wanna be able to fly!"
...
Let that sink in for a moment.
You want to float a few feet above the ground. Levitate. Play Helicopter or some shit. Sure, ok.
That's the most boring answer anyone could ever give to this question!
Not only does my not-based-on-any-records-chart show that approximately 80% of all people give this answer, which makes it even more bland, but it also shows the uncreativity of the people asked.
Think big, people! How could you benefit from flying around? Is it the tickle in your stomach that you want? The amazing view that you can also get by looking at a postcard or viewing a documentary on mountains or rivers or whatever? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, motherfucker, it's just a person suffering from lameness...

We all know what happened to Icarus.
What a dumbass.
You don't want to be a dumbass, do you?



The first thing I think about in this context is "What kind of badassery would be useful for ME?"!
Several criminal applications come to mind. As un-self-centered as I am, I still want to get something out of this gift that I can choose for myself!


As a little kid, I was fascinated with Midas' golden touch. Sure, it was this power that led to terrible things: he turned his daughter's ass into gold, he couldn't eat or drink, and I bet he cried a lot because of that, which might be damn painful. Metal tears and all. But he solved his problems eventually. Except for his daughter. She was still dead. Oh, and he somehow got donkey ears. But what I got out of this story was "touch thing, thing turns into gold, gold is good, no consequence!"
I somehow seemed to miss that part with the eating and stuff. But hey, bling-bling all the way!
It is obvious what I wanted to do with this superpower when I was little. Get rich, bitch! DUH. But on second thought, maybe I would've found some other use for the golden touch...

Nowadays, I might give a different answer to said question.
I guess telekinesis may come in handy. Moving stuff without the need to move yourself? COUNT. ME. IN.!
Another pick for "favorite superpower" might have to be intangibility/invisibility. Both of them would feed my criminal nature. Think of all the possibilities, all the banks you could rob, the diamonds you could steal, the people you could scare! And let's not forget the things you get to see when sneaking into somebody's room! I would use this gift for NO good reason, whatsoever!!

 

My master pick for the ultimate superpower, however, is controlling time. Not in a time-travel kinda way. I mean, who really understands how time-travel works? Every movie I've seen so far that involves this topic is either stupid or confusing.

What I mean is stopping, slowing, rewinding and fast-forwarding time. It has all the benefits of invisibility/intangibility PLUS infinite chances to try again and to fix a fuck-up.
Don't know the answer to a question in your test? BOOM, stop time, look it up, resume.
Said something stupid in front of your crush? BOOM, rewind, rethink, rephrase.
Having a killer trip but only 2 hours left until you don't feel a thing anymore? BOOM, slow down and enjoy.
If this exceptionally good answer doesn't BLOW YOUR FUCKING DICK OFF, I don't know what will. And if you don't have a dick, this answer is SO good that it will sew one on and then IMMEDIATELY blow it off! SHIT YEAH!
Problem is, that you might continue to age while you're experiencing time in a slower manner. Or if you stop time to steal something or hit someone, for instance. But in a perfect world - and I mean, it IS a perfect world where you get to choose your superpower - this wouldn't apply. Right? Yeah, Thought so.

But as I said in the beginning, it's the little things that count.
Some people are able to draw perfect circles by hand. Some are artists with so much talent you shit your pants when looking at their paintings and pictures or hearing their songs. Some are brain surgeons who save lives. Maybe there are PERFECT kissers out there or men that TRULY deserve "Best Dad!" coffee mugs.
Maybe they are superheroes in their own rights.
And if extreme mediocrity could be seen as a superpower, as well, then maybe I'm a superhero, too...

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~music time~